Grams

Those of you who know me well, know my grams. It would be impossible to have spent any sort of significant time with me and not have heard of her, you see, she and I have always been close. My grams, whose real name is Margaret, is known to most by grams or grandma. Hadley's middle name is in her honor. Grams will be 91 years old in April, her long life has shown her more than most. She lost both her parents at a young age, raised all of her siblings in times before children were put into foster homes when parents were lost, was married to my grandfather for 50 years and was only separated from him by his death, lost a son, lived through the Depression and saw amazing advancements in technology. Grams likes to say, "the only thing I know about computers is how to spell the word". She is an amazing woman.

Today Grams lost her independence. She was transported to the hospital at 2:00 in the morning by ambulance after calling my mother to say that she couldn't get out of bed. After x-raying her body the doctors told my mom and step dad that her bones are crumbling. She has long suffered from Osteoporosis. The doctors told my mom that she cannot return home, she must go live in a nursing home. Grams knew it, she told my sister today, amidst her morphine induced confusion, "I had a choice to make, I could either bite my lip and not tell anyone how much pain I was in or ask for the help I need." What a choice to make... A choice that she knew would take her away from her home, her own bed, her independence. She knows she made the right choice, but it kills us all. The thought of her in that hospital room all alone hurts my heart. I know she has the best of care, but I cannot help but wonder if she is scared and lonely.

Grams used to care for my sister and I when we were home sick from school. I remember doing dishes with her in her kitchen once when I was a kid and we had a water fight with the sprayer from the sink. Only a really cool grandma does stuff like that. We used to go to her house after school before our mom got home. She would carve apples for us with peanut butter and always have the best snacks waiting on the table for the minute we walked through the door.

It is hard to watch someone who used to drive you to doctor appointments, take you shopping and go on vacation with you become old. Grams hasn't left her house, outside of getting her hair done once a week, in years. Her life has become simplistic and is mostly about watching TV. She is a big fan of American Idol, Deal or No Deal, is up on the latest of politics and thinks she has President Bush all figured out and it's not good. :) (just ask her, she'll tell you!)

We've all tried to visit when we can and help out when we can, but my mom has clearly taken the biggest hit in caring for Grams. She has essentially become her caretaker in the last many years. She has often said to Lindsay and I, "when I get to this point, just put me in a home, don't ever do this for me". It has worn on her, but everyday she wakes up and does it again. She makes all her meals, bathes her, cleans for her, does her shopping, does her laundry, brings in her mail, etc. She too is an amazing woman and I admire her unfailing devotion to her mother.

I suppose this is the last chapter in Grams' life. I was saying to a friend today that when someone gets to this age you begin to expect something like this or death to occur, but it never makes it easier when it finally happens. I never wanted to see the day that Grams had to go to a nursing home. I always hoped she would peacefully fall asleep one night in her own bed, in her own home, and join Grandpa as I think she has secretly hoped for for a long time now. But, perhaps this will be really good for her. Perhaps she'll enjoy being somewhere were she has constant attention and people to interact with. I hope so.

All I know is that I will be making a weekly visit to her. I will sit by her bedside and listen to the stories, the ones she has told me a million times, but never get old. The ones that make me marvel at all she has seen and done in her 91 years. I will try with all my might to remember each and every one to tell Hadley someday. I will tell her the story of her namesake and what an amazing woman she was. I will tell her how much she loved all of us and especially her. I will tell her that this amazing woman made her mommy always feel like the most special of all girls. I only hope in my heart that grams knows this...