Life.

About a month ago I wrote a post about the life lesson that I had learned from Mrs. Myers before she passed away, leaving nothing left unsaid. I learned that from her because she said as she was dying that she wasn't scared because she has left nothing unsaid. I was so inspired by that and have tried to remember it ever since, reminding those that I love how much I love them.

I thought long and hard before I wrote on this blog about the current situation that is going on with myself. For awhile I thought that I didn't want anyone to know anything until I knew what was going on for sure. Then I changed my mind, but decided only to send an email to several close friends about what was going on. Then I came full circle and decided that I didn't care who knew because I wanted as many prayers in my corner as possible. Then I thought, what if people think I am being ridiculous writing about something like this on a blog. Then I decided I didn't care, this is my life and right now, this is part of my life.

The reason that I am writing about it here is that this blog has become a journal of our life. It is something that records the ups and downs, the little and big things. It is something that we hope to look back on in the years to come as a remembrance of where we were at at certain times in our life. By leaving this current situation out of here, I feel as though I am pretending it didn't happen and for those of you who know me, that just isn't me. It is my reality right now and I embrace it just like anything else.

Most of you have heard what is going on, if you have not I will give a brief overview. About a month ago I found a lump in my neck. I went to the doctor a few days later when it hadn't gone away. Long story short, I went through antibiotics, some waiting, a cat scan, some more waiting, a biopsy, and then the waiting I am currently doing. They have confirmed a mass in my lymph node and are trying to determine if it is cancerous or not. I will be having surgery September 8th to remove the entire lymph node because the biopsy didn't give them the answers they were looking for. The only concern they are speaking of at the moment is Hodgkinson's disease. Cancer, but very curable in someone my age they tell me. That or it still could be nothing, just a benign cyst.

That sums up the story, but leaves out the emotions something like this makes you go through. They threw out the cancer word very early to me, it was at the appointment after they tried the antibiotics. The doctor, who I had never met before, said that he needed to get me to a specialist and soon because he was concerned about cancer. No matter what happens in the future, I will never ever forget that moment and the thoughts that I had as soon as he said that word. If I close my eyes I can see myself sitting there on the table biting my cheek so the tears that were in my eyes didn't fall down my cheeks. You see, I know that I am going to be okay. I will not, for one moment, accept any other option, but anyone that says they don't consider the dark possibilities when they hear that they could have cancer is lying.

There is simply no way that you can prevent your mind from traveling to the possibilities that everyone knows are there when you start talking of cancer. You come home and you look into the eyes of your 18 month old and you can't help but cry and beg God in your head that you'll do anything, just anything, to get to watch her grow up. You can't help looking at your husband and think in your head, when I said in sickness or in health, I didn't think that would come into play until we were gray and our children were grown. You can't help but get choked up when your family tells you how much they love you and how they will support you no matter what. You can't help but let the tears fall when a friend sends you a card with all sorts of pieces of paper cut up, each with a tangible good thought such as "hugs", "good wine", etc. You just can't help going there, it isn't possible not to.

However, for me, going there doesn't happen often and hardly ever in the last week. I choose to live the majority of the time thinking nothing but positive thoughts. I think that way because after all this is said and done, even if it is cancer, I know I am going to be okay. As I said above, I will not accept any of the other possibilities. I will be here much much longer. The interesting part of the whole experience has been that it still could be nothing, but with all the talk of cancer, you forget that a possibility remains that it will be nothing. What I hope for is that I have to feel guilty about worrying everyone and for worrying myself and writing posts like this because it ends up being nothing. That would be the best guilt I would ever experience. (:

For now, I think of the tangible good thoughts my friend sent me. I take each day and find all of the beauty in it. I cherish my amazing and beautiful daughter's every moment. I look at my husband and thank God he found the perfect person to make me whole. I think of my family and thank God I was blessed with them, they are the best. Finally I close my eyes and picture my friends, those that have crossed paths with me for one reason or another, but have become my family. I feel that I am the luckiest in the world, because my friends and family are truly the best. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of them.

In the end, when all of this is over I will take this as a life lesson. I will not only leave nothing unsaid, I will also appreciate each and every day the amazing life I have. I will enjoy the little things like they are snippets of heaven. I will forever be grateful for the life I get to lead.

Welcome Ryan!

The Myers family welcomed a 2nd beautiful baby boy this week, Ryan Andrew! They are all doing well and elated that Ryan is here. I told Ryan if he would have waited just one more day we could have shared a birthday! I think his mommy is happy he came when he did though!!! Congrats Joe, Melissa and Joseph!

Camping

This past weekend we went camping with some friends of Jill's from college and Uncle John and Sean. It was much fun. Hadley had a rough night the second night, but overall had a great time!

Hadley LOVES the bike!

Hadley and Rowan are the same age and love playing together

Hadley loved holding Casey's leash

Hadley also loved taking Casey for a walk

All the kids in the boat!

Hadley loves to sit in Uncle John's boat

Daddy made Hadley a special book about her camping adventure

Uncle John, Sean and Hadley have a snack

Hadley's first ride in a canoe!!! She didn't love getting the life vest on, but once she was in and moving she loved it!

Zoo

Mom and Hadley met some friends at the zoo last week. The kids had a blast driving in the "cars" together. It was lots of fun!

Cradle

Hadley got this cradle as a hand me down. It is supposed to be for her babies, however she likes to sit in it herself!!!

Making music

I almost forgot about these adorable pics! We went to a cookout last weekend and I took the little camera for ease in packing and forgot all about the pics I took! Here are some pics of Hadley and Joseph having fun making music together on the piano at Jon and Cecilia's house!

Grams

Yesterday we took grams on an outing from the nursing home to Jill's moms for the first time since she began living there. We just loved having her all to ourselves and out of the nursing home for a day. It took a lot out of her and she was pretty worn out and tired, but she said that it was nice to be away for the day. We took advantage of getting some pics with her. I also had to include the one of Hadley reading the paper. She decided that she needed to do that all on her own!

Funny faces

Here are a couple pics of Hadley making faces at me today!

Goodbye old friend

Many of you know we have been looking for a new home for our beloved cat, Powder. We loved her very much, but our home just wasn't the right place for her anymore. Our other cat dizzy and she just didn't mix and after working with the vet FOREVER trying to help Powder, the vet told us, our house was just too stressful for her and that we should try to find her a new home.

We just got home from dropping her off at her new home and it was very bittersweet. The good thing is it is a friend of Jill's so we will be able to keep up to date on how she is doing and visit her from time to time. While we know that it is definitely the best thing for her, it will be quite weird not having her around for a little while. Even though we explained to Hadley that Powder was going to her new home and isn't going to live with us, the first thing she did when we got home was look for Powder. Of course in her little world Powder will be forgotten much sooner than by her mom and dad. While she caused us much stress, we loved her and we didn't realize how sad we would be to see her go!

Ice Cream

Hadley enjoyed a special treat of ice cream tonight after dinner. She wanted to hold the cone all by herself. She loved it!

Jen and Jenna

We went down to our friend Jenna Polzer's house tonight to have dinner with her and Mike Polzer's wife, Jen (Hadley's godmother) who was in town for Grandma and Grandpa Polzer's 60th wedding anniversary party, which we went to last night. It was really fun and they enjoyed seeing Hadley.

Appleton

We went up to Appleton for a couple days to see some family and have some professional pictures taken. Hadley enjoyed playing with Mimi's jewels and putting them all on at once! We celebrated Mike's birthday and the family pictures seemed to go pretty good. We'll be excited to see them when the photographer sends the proofs!

Day at the beach

Yesterday was Mike's birthday so we celebrated with a day at the beach. Hadley played in the sand and then we went out to the park part and grilled out. Grandma and Grandpa Schwenzen even joined us for the grilling out portion and that was nice. The last picture is the way the sky looked right before we left, it was about to downpour, but we had a fantastic time while we were there!