Losing Grams...

Many of you read my post just a couple months ago explaining that we had to put Grams into a nursing home and how hard that was for all of my family. Unfortunately we have begun to experience something a lot harder than that was and we just weren't prepared for this. Grams appears to have suffered a stroke since moving into the nursing home and on top of that is suffering from severe dementia that had begun to show its nasty signs prior to grams moving, but according to her doctor, the move out of the comfort of the familiar surrounding of her own home put the onset of dementia into overdrive.

Grams still knows who we all are, but outside of that knowledge has lost all grip on reality. She lives most of her days in fear of "the bad guys" chasing her. The bad guys have chased her out of her wheelchair two times now causing her to fall and require a trip to the hospital for stitches. She is not who she once was, in fact, there is no trace of that person anymore and it is purely heartbreaking. The hardest part of it is that it literally feels like it happened overnight.

When Grams first went to the nursing home she was still making us laugh with her hilarious comments and telling the stories we had heard a million times. She would light up at the sight of Hadley and would sit and talk and visit for as long as you would stay. Now when you arrive there is this split second of hope when she first sees you and says "hi sweetie", but that moment passes in an instant and she retreats back to her fear and confusion. Every day is a new story of something that is happening to her and it never makes any sense.

A wise friend of mine said to me last weekend when I called her in tears after leaving Grams, "it is God's way of helping you let go". She explained that she was really close to her grandfather and if God would have taken him before he lost who he was she wouldn't have been ready. Instead, because of what he became she felt relief when he was finally at peace. I thought that was a wonderful way of looking at it and it has helped me find comfort.

There is only one problem with that. I am okay if I have to let Grams go, I know it is time and she lived an amazing life. I just have one request and it breaks my heart that I can't have it.... I just want one more day, no, not even a day, just one more hour with the Grams I knew just two months ago. The one who told me stories that I loved to listen to about how she grew up, the one who made me cry with laughter at the things she would say, the one I have known all of my 30 years and love with all my heart. I miss her so.