Life.

About a month ago I wrote a post about the life lesson that I had learned from Mrs. Myers before she passed away, leaving nothing left unsaid. I learned that from her because she said as she was dying that she wasn't scared because she has left nothing unsaid. I was so inspired by that and have tried to remember it ever since, reminding those that I love how much I love them.

I thought long and hard before I wrote on this blog about the current situation that is going on with myself. For awhile I thought that I didn't want anyone to know anything until I knew what was going on for sure. Then I changed my mind, but decided only to send an email to several close friends about what was going on. Then I came full circle and decided that I didn't care who knew because I wanted as many prayers in my corner as possible. Then I thought, what if people think I am being ridiculous writing about something like this on a blog. Then I decided I didn't care, this is my life and right now, this is part of my life.

The reason that I am writing about it here is that this blog has become a journal of our life. It is something that records the ups and downs, the little and big things. It is something that we hope to look back on in the years to come as a remembrance of where we were at at certain times in our life. By leaving this current situation out of here, I feel as though I am pretending it didn't happen and for those of you who know me, that just isn't me. It is my reality right now and I embrace it just like anything else.

Most of you have heard what is going on, if you have not I will give a brief overview. About a month ago I found a lump in my neck. I went to the doctor a few days later when it hadn't gone away. Long story short, I went through antibiotics, some waiting, a cat scan, some more waiting, a biopsy, and then the waiting I am currently doing. They have confirmed a mass in my lymph node and are trying to determine if it is cancerous or not. I will be having surgery September 8th to remove the entire lymph node because the biopsy didn't give them the answers they were looking for. The only concern they are speaking of at the moment is Hodgkinson's disease. Cancer, but very curable in someone my age they tell me. That or it still could be nothing, just a benign cyst.

That sums up the story, but leaves out the emotions something like this makes you go through. They threw out the cancer word very early to me, it was at the appointment after they tried the antibiotics. The doctor, who I had never met before, said that he needed to get me to a specialist and soon because he was concerned about cancer. No matter what happens in the future, I will never ever forget that moment and the thoughts that I had as soon as he said that word. If I close my eyes I can see myself sitting there on the table biting my cheek so the tears that were in my eyes didn't fall down my cheeks. You see, I know that I am going to be okay. I will not, for one moment, accept any other option, but anyone that says they don't consider the dark possibilities when they hear that they could have cancer is lying.

There is simply no way that you can prevent your mind from traveling to the possibilities that everyone knows are there when you start talking of cancer. You come home and you look into the eyes of your 18 month old and you can't help but cry and beg God in your head that you'll do anything, just anything, to get to watch her grow up. You can't help looking at your husband and think in your head, when I said in sickness or in health, I didn't think that would come into play until we were gray and our children were grown. You can't help but get choked up when your family tells you how much they love you and how they will support you no matter what. You can't help but let the tears fall when a friend sends you a card with all sorts of pieces of paper cut up, each with a tangible good thought such as "hugs", "good wine", etc. You just can't help going there, it isn't possible not to.

However, for me, going there doesn't happen often and hardly ever in the last week. I choose to live the majority of the time thinking nothing but positive thoughts. I think that way because after all this is said and done, even if it is cancer, I know I am going to be okay. As I said above, I will not accept any of the other possibilities. I will be here much much longer. The interesting part of the whole experience has been that it still could be nothing, but with all the talk of cancer, you forget that a possibility remains that it will be nothing. What I hope for is that I have to feel guilty about worrying everyone and for worrying myself and writing posts like this because it ends up being nothing. That would be the best guilt I would ever experience. (:

For now, I think of the tangible good thoughts my friend sent me. I take each day and find all of the beauty in it. I cherish my amazing and beautiful daughter's every moment. I look at my husband and thank God he found the perfect person to make me whole. I think of my family and thank God I was blessed with them, they are the best. Finally I close my eyes and picture my friends, those that have crossed paths with me for one reason or another, but have become my family. I feel that I am the luckiest in the world, because my friends and family are truly the best. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of them.

In the end, when all of this is over I will take this as a life lesson. I will not only leave nothing unsaid, I will also appreciate each and every day the amazing life I have. I will enjoy the little things like they are snippets of heaven. I will forever be grateful for the life I get to lead.